Scum of the Earth Community Church
I was trying to think up a good spoof of a “relevant” non-denominational church. Then I was going to try to turn it into an online “Wittenberg Door” magazine, which is sort of like “The Onion” for conservative Christians.
So I had this great title all worked out and made a cool front page of a website. “Scum of the Earth Community Church.” The website was really cool.
Unfortunately, as Christian churches flounder more and more frantically in an attempt to not completely lose every last bit of moral and cultural authority, irony has become obsolete.
What am I talking about? I’m talking about this.
Yep, there already is a Scum of the Earth Church. Although I note no “community” in the title. No doubt, if they were a community church, people in polo shirts and chinos might think they could come, and that would ruin their whole steez.
You know what the real “Scum of the Earth Church” looks like? A church
–where only men are allowed to be pastors and hold positions of authority,
–that says salvation is only through faith in Jesus Christ, apart from good works,
–that says that faith is not something a person can will, but a gift of God,
–which says that the Pope is the antichrist,
–and which says that the entire world has been ransomed by the blood of Jesus Christ (no sinner excluded, not even Judas)
— which says that, as a result, forgiveness of sins may be preached to all in general
–which says that, as a result, we may be assured that everyone who receives the Lord’s Supper receives Christ’s true body and blood in and with the bread and wine.
And if they dress up to go to church on top of all of this, that would make them the scum of the scum!
Luckily, all traces of this kind of theology have been rooted out of American churches by patient and methodical re-education of the American people to that the churches no longer function as counter-revolutionary citadels on every city block. Thus the number of people who’ll have to be sent to the camps can possibly be reduced to those who stubbornly cling to more than three of the beliefs listed above.
- Megapastor Joel Osteen target of elaborate hoax… (wnd.com)
- A “Jesus rocks, Church stinks; ‘spiritual’ is awesome, religion is rotten!” Lexicon (insightscoop.typepad.com)
- If it Weren’t for Christians, Church Would be OK (difog.wordpress.com)
- Do we REALLY need to plant more churches? (geoffsurratt.typepad.com)
- I Don’t Go to a Normal Church (goingtothesea.wordpress.com)
- Welcome to Church. (hopethroughfaith.wordpress.com)
- A Christian’s Open Letter to Church: Don’t Give Me an Ultimatum (patheos.com)